I'm pretty much here to gloat and say that I have the VERY best friends in the entire world! I let one of my friends into our secret blog right after talking to her about my RJV woes. After our brief catch up, and reading the blog, she sent me this e-mail. She's right and I am focusing ANY energy I direct towards this boy and situation on letting go and freeing myself...
First of all, you are a spiritual warrior. And I applaud the way you've been tirelessly trucking through this whole situ for so long. As I read your blog, though, I couldn't help but see myself in so many of your thoughts. Though I have somehow seemed to end up on both sides of the relationship axe, there were a few when I was the one axed and I remember feeling trapped by my hurt. Feeling ditched and deceived by someone I had opened my heart to and considered a best friend. How does one just turn around and "forgive and forget?" I remember delving into the Scriptures and being flabbergasted by the way the Bible portrays true forgiveness, either by direct mention or by Jesus' example. One of the strongest examples, and probably most obvious one, is between Jesus and Judas. Nowhere in the Bible does it show Judas pleading for Jesus' forgiveness. Nor do we see Jesus forgiving Judas on the contingency that he "gets" his pain and understands what exactly it was that Judas did to him. This is the same with Peter and all of Jesus' other disciples who ran from and turned against him. Talk about ultimate betrayal. But their acceptance and understanding was never a necessary ingredient to Jesus being able to (and actually doing it!) forgive all of them. As hard (and sucky) as it is, that's ultimate forgiveness...which has absolutely NOTHING to do with the other person and his actions/understanding/words. It has everything to do with us and what we allow to simmer in our hearts. As long as you're holding on to the pain that he caused you, I don't think you'll ever feel resolved...I tried that, and it didn't work for me. I think Satan tries so hard to make us feel invalidated in our pain and hurts, that we feel it's necessary to be validated in order to be resolved. The truth is, we us acknowledging that the other person may never "get it" and then letting go is validating everything that we feel. Giving it up to God is the most validation we need and could ever get....even moreso than if he walked up to you and apologized for exactly the way you feel. Letting go first frees you from yourself...and that's more powerful than any apology he could ever give you.
These are the point you made that sent up red flags to me....
I want DESPERATELY for him to "get it".
I desperately want to "get" what the lessons are that God has for me in this situ.
I want him to give me a sincere apology that shows him as truly broken by what he did to me.
I want him to get what he did to me and what the full impact of it all is.
I want an explanation of what really happened and the whys and hows. (Even though I realize it probably will not be helpful, I feel the need to know.)
I don't want someone else to suffer at his hand.
I doubt that he'll ever fully "get it." And even if it were possible one day, it's not worth wasting the time waiting for him to do so. And it's not your job to worry about someone else suffering at his hand...let God take care of that. He's in control. Trust that God is working in R's life as much as he is in yours. You can pray, but that's all you can do. It's not your job to make him get it, or to even help him change. That's something that Gerard helped me see w/my RO situation. It was the role of the brothers in his life to help guide him and show him the ways he needed to change. If he asked, I was fine with being honest w/him (in a loving, not vindictive, way), but other than that it my role to trust that God would show him the things he needed to change in HIS timing.
Anyway, I think it's one of the hardest things to just let go. It sounds so much simpler than it it. But, sometimes you just have to start with taking one step. Then another. And another. Until one day, you've walked far enough away to let go fully. I believe you can do it.
I hope this makes sense and doesn't discourage you. Let me know what you think.
Love you,
gracie
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