Letting go is hard to do...

I'm pretty much here to gloat and say that I have the VERY best friends in the entire world! I let one of my friends into our secret blog right after talking to her about my RJV woes. After our brief catch up, and reading the blog, she sent me this e-mail. She's right and I am focusing ANY energy I direct towards this boy and situation on letting go and freeing myself...

My dearest Lisa,

First of all, you are a spiritual warrior. And I applaud the way you've been tirelessly trucking through this whole situ for so long. As I read your blog, though, I couldn't help but see myself in so many of your thoughts. Though I have somehow seemed to end up on both sides of the relationship axe, there were a few when I was the one axed and I remember feeling trapped by my hurt. Feeling ditched and deceived by someone I had opened my heart to and considered a best friend. How does one just turn around and "forgive and forget?" I remember delving into the Scriptures and being flabbergasted by the way the Bible portrays true forgiveness, either by direct mention or by Jesus' example. One of the strongest examples, and probably most obvious one, is between Jesus and Judas. Nowhere in the Bible does it show Judas pleading for Jesus' forgiveness. Nor do we see Jesus forgiving Judas on the contingency that he "gets" his pain and understands what exactly it was that Judas did to him. This is the same with Peter and all of Jesus' other disciples who ran from and turned against him. Talk about ultimate betrayal. But their acceptance and understanding was never a necessary ingredient to Jesus being able to (and actually doing it!) forgive all of them. As hard (and sucky) as it is, that's ultimate forgiveness...which has absolutely NOTHING to do with the other person and his actions/understanding/words. It has everything to do with us and what we allow to simmer in our hearts. As long as you're holding on to the pain that he caused you, I don't think you'll ever feel resolved...I tried that, and it didn't work for me. I think Satan tries so hard to make us feel invalidated in our pain and hurts, that we feel it's necessary to be validated in order to be resolved. The truth is, we us acknowledging that the other person may never "get it" and then letting go is validating everything that we feel. Giving it up to God is the most validation we need and could ever get....even moreso than if he walked up to you and apologized for exactly the way you feel. Letting go first frees you from yourself...and that's more powerful than any apology he could ever give you.

These are the point you made that sent up red flags to me....

I want DESPERATELY for him to "get it".
I desperately want to "get" what the lessons are that God has for me in this situ.
I want him to give me a sincere apology that shows him as truly broken by what he did to me.
I want him to get what he did to me and what the full impact of it all is.
I want an explanation of what really happened and the whys and hows. (Even though I realize it probably will not be helpful, I feel the need to know.)
I don't want someone else to suffer at his hand.

I doubt that he'll ever fully "get it." And even if it were possible one day, it's not worth wasting the time waiting for him to do so. And it's not your job to worry about someone else suffering at his hand...let God take care of that. He's in control. Trust that God is working in R's life as much as he is in yours. You can pray, but that's all you can do. It's not your job to make him get it, or to even help him change. That's something that Gerard helped me see w/my RO situation. It was the role of the brothers in his life to help guide him and show him the ways he needed to change. If he asked, I was fine with being honest w/him (in a loving, not vindictive, way), but other than that it my role to trust that God would show him the things he needed to change in HIS timing.

Anyway, I think it's one of the hardest things to just let go. It sounds so much simpler than it it. But, sometimes you just have to start with taking one step. Then another. And another. Until one day, you've walked far enough away to let go fully. I believe you can do it.

I hope this makes sense and doesn't discourage you. Let me know what you think.

Love you,
gracie

Oh Happy Day!

Had a fun day today! After surviving an ice storm - I slid down my front steps into my ice encapsulated vehicle - I had fun sitting with my sister and friends at church. We heard a great message about Jesus and how he did everything well. No pressure! That being said, I will strive to imitate that as best as I can. The weird thing that came to mind was me and RJV again! I kept thinking "Have I forgiven him well?"  I am having a really difficult time discerning whether I'm suddenly (post disastrous convo) having a hard time letting things go because A. He really matters to me, or B. God is not allowing me to let go - until I've dealt/forgiven properly or C. I'm unable to let go, because there's something else that needs to be done before the letting go can commence! Ugh!

Why are relationships a kick in the head sometimes?

Met with an elementary school friend whom I probably saw less than 5 times while we were in high school today! It was great! She was in PHL visiting family for a few days from Houston and I got to meet up with her, her sister and their 3 boys! They were an energetic handful. My friend graduated from Harvard Law and is this big lawyer in Houston who's looking to make a career change to work in International Development in DC. I'm glad there are a number of us doing the career change/moving thing.

While I was waiting for them at a gorgeous restaurant www.whitedog.com, I ran into a table of other friends. We got to talking, as women do, and the conversation led back to RJV. I swear all conversation roads with me have led back to him since our stewpid convo! Anyway, one of my friends Bev, thinks we just need to have a convo part II a la Mt 18: 15 - 17 with someone else present. For some reason, I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY like that idea! My darling friend Stephen is already planning to talk to RJV to help him 'get it'. He was horrified and outraged by how the alleged apology conversation went, and his reaction was more validating than it had any right to be!  Bev, thinks after their tete a tete,  Stephen, RJV and I need to have a sit down - and I like it! It's the best I've felt about this situ in a while...

Made this list of truths about the site while waiting for my friend (who was an hour plus late) to arrive :o)

• I am NOT okay with where things are between RJV and I.
  
• I am not fully okay with not being friends.
  
• However, I don't think we can be friends (right now).
  
• I want DESPERATELY for him to "get it".
  
• I desperately want to "get" what the lessons are that God has for me in this situ.
  
• I do NOT want to date him.
  
• I am confident that he is NOT the one for me.
  
• I want him to give me a sincere apology that shows him as truly broken by what he did to me.
  
• I want him to get what he did to me and what the full impact of it all is.
  
• I realize I probably do not know the full impact of what he did to me.
  
• I also am grateful I do not get the full impact of what God saved me from by revealing his true nature before I got more involved with him.
  
• I want an explanation of what really happened and the whys and hows. (Even though I realize it probably will not be helpful, I feel the need to know.)
• I miss (the good parts i.e. most) of our friendship.
  
• I don't want someone else to suffer at his hand.
  
• I want to move on and be COMPLETELY free from RJV and this situation.
  

Abort! Abort! Abort!

So SKP's not engaged! Long story short that began on Wed after a therapy session and many conversations with me, the boyfriend and the boyfriend's mentor/advisor later... It's come to light that while SKP is madly in love with JB, she doesn't think they are ready to get engaged. She needs JB to have a serious plan for completing his undergraduate degree (he's 28) and a budget they can realistically live on as married folk. While she doesn't articulate it as such, she sees every year he remains in school as a year in which they will be unhappily, or at least stressfully, married and therefore unable to pursue any other dreams. As she sees it, if he's in school for 7 years, they will be unable to go on vacation, she'll be unable to go shopping, go out with friends, get her hair done or have children for those 7 years! I know! That's a LOT to have riding on a graduation date! While I do not agree that he needs to be done with school before there can be 'air' in SKP's world, or shopping or children. I am proud of her for making her needs known and not keeping silent when all that stands between her and her biggest dream - of being married - are her own reservations! HUGE growth for her! Good on ya chica! For the record, I think they'll sort it out and be engaged soon - probably at the latest by V's Day. Then I can finally tell her "Remember that week you were freaking out at the end of December? JB was going to ask you to be his wife on your date that Saturday the 20th right before you guys went to see your family for Christmas!"  I can't even begin to imagine how she'll respond. That's right, she didn't know, it was a surprise.  So you can't tell her!  I'll keep you posted on other engagement developments.

Always a Bridesmaid?

So I'm pretty much a professional bridesmaid. I was a bit mad when I saw the movie 27 Dresses - not because it was unrealistic, but because I thought it was stealing my thunder! That was my script to write, movie to make, T-shirt to design...you get the point! I have technically been a bridesmaid 14 times, but I have purchased 16 dresses to be a part of my friend's weddings. The 15th dress I wore as a hostess. The 16th, was for a wedding for which I couldn't afford to make the trans-continental flight to Nigeria - with 2 other bridesmaids :o( Before you start calling me a heel and judging me for missing my friend's wedding, I recently found out that even though 3 of us never made it to and in the wedding, and our dresses were given to others to wear, I'm the only bridesmaid who didn't get the money she paid for her dress back. So I feel like I did my part in a sense :o) Don't you agree?

Bringing it back to the present, if all goes as planned, tonight, my former roomate and one of my best friends, SKP, should be getting engaged! She and her guy JB had talked about a 4 month engagement. So come April, SKP will be a Mrs. and I will most likely be...you guessed it, a bridesmaid! I am SO excited for S, because getting married has been the one true desire of her heart since we met about 5 years ago. So here's to SKP and JB!

And just in case you think I'm lying, here's a walk down memory lane or rather down the aisle with me!

My 17 weddings in random order. (To be honest it was my best attempt to to put them in actual order.)

14 times a bridesmaid...

• Andrea & Corey


• Kelly & Ryan


• Shanika & John


• Dawn & Mike


• Pamela (my sister) & Shawn - Maid of Honor


• Dionne & Marcel


• Millicent & Mark - Maid of Honor


• Osaru & Jonathan


• EJ & O


• Cyndi & Robert


• Trisa & Douglas


• Devan & James


• Oye & Stephen


• Uche & Dapo

Once a missing bridesmaid - the wedding I couldn't make:

• Banke & Bankole

Twice a hostess :o)

• Heather & Glenn (bride had us buy matching dresses)


• Holly & John
  

To Mandy

Sent this E to one of my best friends Mandy a few mins ago and felt the need to share:

All the good men are definitely NOT taken, but it can feel like that a lot of the time. Thank God our feelings are not reality! I TRULY believe that if it's God's will for us to be married, then the PERFECT guys for us are very much still alive and well.

All the faithful things being said my chest physically hurts today - I think it's a mixture of the pain of hope deferred probably and residual heartbreak pangs. I'm also desperately missing the red soil of Africa - it's warmth and groundedness (sure it's not a word). Yes, it is strange for me to miss Africa. It's probably a missing childhood/security thing more than anything - but who knows? I wonder if this is the new me?

Sorry about your foot. Hope it feels better soon! I can always relate to being all over the place. Leaving work in a few mins to volunteer. Will have my cell with me. Call me or text me about tonight.

Definitely want to hear about your interaction with your ex last night. RJV didn't show up at Moody/Kudzai's b-day dinner as RSVPd, much to my relief. I'm eagerly awaiting the newness of 2009.

Love you!

Happy Birthday to Me!

I had a great and low-key birthday on November 26th, 2008. Yes, this is a tad bit late :o) As is my custom for no good reason, I stayed up late into the wee hours. I guess this time, it was for the best reason - my birthday! I had a glass of wine while catching up on recorded shows on my DVR. (I know, not uber exciting).

Later that day, I worked from home so I got to lounge around in my jammies for most of the day. Then later in the afternoon, I went into the office for a quick half-hour meeting with a colleague.

You probably should know this about me, cake is my favorite food and I am a cupcake freak! I am also a fan of Magnolia Bakery in Manhattan. Whether you like banana pudding or not you MUST try their banana pudding it is the creamest best thing I have ever ingested in my life! Before I digress too far, I also love their cupcakes (which is what started this conversation), but I wasn't going all the way to The Village in NYC for a cupcake. Anyway, the b-day seemed like the perfect day to go on a search the perfect Philadelphia bakery.

I found one in what is now my favorite part of the city and it's called Brown Betty! I had a big issue with the name of the place though, I must say. Why? 'Cause if I ever owned a bakery, something I dream about doing, Brown Betty would be a perfect name for it. It totally applies and I am a lover of alliteration. Now I can't use the name cause they stole it! The cupcakes were good - looking forward to trying their very popular, but sold-out Red Velvet. I wonder if they have banana pudding...

Later than night, my dearest girlfriends a.k.a. my soulmates took me out for Spanish Tapas at a new trendy restaurant. The next morning I caught a plane to Tampa to spend Thankgiving weekend with my best friend from college a.k.a. "Moi" - as she is my other self. It is a wonderful life!