Letting go is hard to do...

I'm pretty much here to gloat and say that I have the VERY best friends in the entire world! I let one of my friends into our secret blog right after talking to her about my RJV woes. After our brief catch up, and reading the blog, she sent me this e-mail. She's right and I am focusing ANY energy I direct towards this boy and situation on letting go and freeing myself...

My dearest Lisa,

First of all, you are a spiritual warrior. And I applaud the way you've been tirelessly trucking through this whole situ for so long. As I read your blog, though, I couldn't help but see myself in so many of your thoughts. Though I have somehow seemed to end up on both sides of the relationship axe, there were a few when I was the one axed and I remember feeling trapped by my hurt. Feeling ditched and deceived by someone I had opened my heart to and considered a best friend. How does one just turn around and "forgive and forget?" I remember delving into the Scriptures and being flabbergasted by the way the Bible portrays true forgiveness, either by direct mention or by Jesus' example. One of the strongest examples, and probably most obvious one, is between Jesus and Judas. Nowhere in the Bible does it show Judas pleading for Jesus' forgiveness. Nor do we see Jesus forgiving Judas on the contingency that he "gets" his pain and understands what exactly it was that Judas did to him. This is the same with Peter and all of Jesus' other disciples who ran from and turned against him. Talk about ultimate betrayal. But their acceptance and understanding was never a necessary ingredient to Jesus being able to (and actually doing it!) forgive all of them. As hard (and sucky) as it is, that's ultimate forgiveness...which has absolutely NOTHING to do with the other person and his actions/understanding/words. It has everything to do with us and what we allow to simmer in our hearts. As long as you're holding on to the pain that he caused you, I don't think you'll ever feel resolved...I tried that, and it didn't work for me. I think Satan tries so hard to make us feel invalidated in our pain and hurts, that we feel it's necessary to be validated in order to be resolved. The truth is, we us acknowledging that the other person may never "get it" and then letting go is validating everything that we feel. Giving it up to God is the most validation we need and could ever get....even moreso than if he walked up to you and apologized for exactly the way you feel. Letting go first frees you from yourself...and that's more powerful than any apology he could ever give you.

These are the point you made that sent up red flags to me....

I want DESPERATELY for him to "get it".
I desperately want to "get" what the lessons are that God has for me in this situ.
I want him to give me a sincere apology that shows him as truly broken by what he did to me.
I want him to get what he did to me and what the full impact of it all is.
I want an explanation of what really happened and the whys and hows. (Even though I realize it probably will not be helpful, I feel the need to know.)
I don't want someone else to suffer at his hand.

I doubt that he'll ever fully "get it." And even if it were possible one day, it's not worth wasting the time waiting for him to do so. And it's not your job to worry about someone else suffering at his hand...let God take care of that. He's in control. Trust that God is working in R's life as much as he is in yours. You can pray, but that's all you can do. It's not your job to make him get it, or to even help him change. That's something that Gerard helped me see w/my RO situation. It was the role of the brothers in his life to help guide him and show him the ways he needed to change. If he asked, I was fine with being honest w/him (in a loving, not vindictive, way), but other than that it my role to trust that God would show him the things he needed to change in HIS timing.

Anyway, I think it's one of the hardest things to just let go. It sounds so much simpler than it it. But, sometimes you just have to start with taking one step. Then another. And another. Until one day, you've walked far enough away to let go fully. I believe you can do it.

I hope this makes sense and doesn't discourage you. Let me know what you think.

Love you,
gracie

Oh Happy Day!

Had a fun day today! After surviving an ice storm - I slid down my front steps into my ice encapsulated vehicle - I had fun sitting with my sister and friends at church. We heard a great message about Jesus and how he did everything well. No pressure! That being said, I will strive to imitate that as best as I can. The weird thing that came to mind was me and RJV again! I kept thinking "Have I forgiven him well?"  I am having a really difficult time discerning whether I'm suddenly (post disastrous convo) having a hard time letting things go because A. He really matters to me, or B. God is not allowing me to let go - until I've dealt/forgiven properly or C. I'm unable to let go, because there's something else that needs to be done before the letting go can commence! Ugh!

Why are relationships a kick in the head sometimes?

Met with an elementary school friend whom I probably saw less than 5 times while we were in high school today! It was great! She was in PHL visiting family for a few days from Houston and I got to meet up with her, her sister and their 3 boys! They were an energetic handful. My friend graduated from Harvard Law and is this big lawyer in Houston who's looking to make a career change to work in International Development in DC. I'm glad there are a number of us doing the career change/moving thing.

While I was waiting for them at a gorgeous restaurant www.whitedog.com, I ran into a table of other friends. We got to talking, as women do, and the conversation led back to RJV. I swear all conversation roads with me have led back to him since our stewpid convo! Anyway, one of my friends Bev, thinks we just need to have a convo part II a la Mt 18: 15 - 17 with someone else present. For some reason, I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY like that idea! My darling friend Stephen is already planning to talk to RJV to help him 'get it'. He was horrified and outraged by how the alleged apology conversation went, and his reaction was more validating than it had any right to be!  Bev, thinks after their tete a tete,  Stephen, RJV and I need to have a sit down - and I like it! It's the best I've felt about this situ in a while...

Made this list of truths about the site while waiting for my friend (who was an hour plus late) to arrive :o)

• I am NOT okay with where things are between RJV and I.
  
• I am not fully okay with not being friends.
  
• However, I don't think we can be friends (right now).
  
• I want DESPERATELY for him to "get it".
  
• I desperately want to "get" what the lessons are that God has for me in this situ.
  
• I do NOT want to date him.
  
• I am confident that he is NOT the one for me.
  
• I want him to give me a sincere apology that shows him as truly broken by what he did to me.
  
• I want him to get what he did to me and what the full impact of it all is.
  
• I realize I probably do not know the full impact of what he did to me.
  
• I also am grateful I do not get the full impact of what God saved me from by revealing his true nature before I got more involved with him.
  
• I want an explanation of what really happened and the whys and hows. (Even though I realize it probably will not be helpful, I feel the need to know.)
• I miss (the good parts i.e. most) of our friendship.
  
• I don't want someone else to suffer at his hand.
  
• I want to move on and be COMPLETELY free from RJV and this situation.
  

Abort! Abort! Abort!

So SKP's not engaged! Long story short that began on Wed after a therapy session and many conversations with me, the boyfriend and the boyfriend's mentor/advisor later... It's come to light that while SKP is madly in love with JB, she doesn't think they are ready to get engaged. She needs JB to have a serious plan for completing his undergraduate degree (he's 28) and a budget they can realistically live on as married folk. While she doesn't articulate it as such, she sees every year he remains in school as a year in which they will be unhappily, or at least stressfully, married and therefore unable to pursue any other dreams. As she sees it, if he's in school for 7 years, they will be unable to go on vacation, she'll be unable to go shopping, go out with friends, get her hair done or have children for those 7 years! I know! That's a LOT to have riding on a graduation date! While I do not agree that he needs to be done with school before there can be 'air' in SKP's world, or shopping or children. I am proud of her for making her needs known and not keeping silent when all that stands between her and her biggest dream - of being married - are her own reservations! HUGE growth for her! Good on ya chica! For the record, I think they'll sort it out and be engaged soon - probably at the latest by V's Day. Then I can finally tell her "Remember that week you were freaking out at the end of December? JB was going to ask you to be his wife on your date that Saturday the 20th right before you guys went to see your family for Christmas!"  I can't even begin to imagine how she'll respond. That's right, she didn't know, it was a surprise.  So you can't tell her!  I'll keep you posted on other engagement developments.

Always a Bridesmaid?

So I'm pretty much a professional bridesmaid. I was a bit mad when I saw the movie 27 Dresses - not because it was unrealistic, but because I thought it was stealing my thunder! That was my script to write, movie to make, T-shirt to design...you get the point! I have technically been a bridesmaid 14 times, but I have purchased 16 dresses to be a part of my friend's weddings. The 15th dress I wore as a hostess. The 16th, was for a wedding for which I couldn't afford to make the trans-continental flight to Nigeria - with 2 other bridesmaids :o( Before you start calling me a heel and judging me for missing my friend's wedding, I recently found out that even though 3 of us never made it to and in the wedding, and our dresses were given to others to wear, I'm the only bridesmaid who didn't get the money she paid for her dress back. So I feel like I did my part in a sense :o) Don't you agree?

Bringing it back to the present, if all goes as planned, tonight, my former roomate and one of my best friends, SKP, should be getting engaged! She and her guy JB had talked about a 4 month engagement. So come April, SKP will be a Mrs. and I will most likely be...you guessed it, a bridesmaid! I am SO excited for S, because getting married has been the one true desire of her heart since we met about 5 years ago. So here's to SKP and JB!

And just in case you think I'm lying, here's a walk down memory lane or rather down the aisle with me!

My 17 weddings in random order. (To be honest it was my best attempt to to put them in actual order.)

14 times a bridesmaid...

• Andrea & Corey


• Kelly & Ryan


• Shanika & John


• Dawn & Mike


• Pamela (my sister) & Shawn - Maid of Honor


• Dionne & Marcel


• Millicent & Mark - Maid of Honor


• Osaru & Jonathan


• EJ & O


• Cyndi & Robert


• Trisa & Douglas


• Devan & James


• Oye & Stephen


• Uche & Dapo

Once a missing bridesmaid - the wedding I couldn't make:

• Banke & Bankole

Twice a hostess :o)

• Heather & Glenn (bride had us buy matching dresses)


• Holly & John
  

To Mandy

Sent this E to one of my best friends Mandy a few mins ago and felt the need to share:

All the good men are definitely NOT taken, but it can feel like that a lot of the time. Thank God our feelings are not reality! I TRULY believe that if it's God's will for us to be married, then the PERFECT guys for us are very much still alive and well.

All the faithful things being said my chest physically hurts today - I think it's a mixture of the pain of hope deferred probably and residual heartbreak pangs. I'm also desperately missing the red soil of Africa - it's warmth and groundedness (sure it's not a word). Yes, it is strange for me to miss Africa. It's probably a missing childhood/security thing more than anything - but who knows? I wonder if this is the new me?

Sorry about your foot. Hope it feels better soon! I can always relate to being all over the place. Leaving work in a few mins to volunteer. Will have my cell with me. Call me or text me about tonight.

Definitely want to hear about your interaction with your ex last night. RJV didn't show up at Moody/Kudzai's b-day dinner as RSVPd, much to my relief. I'm eagerly awaiting the newness of 2009.

Love you!

Happy Birthday to Me!

I had a great and low-key birthday on November 26th, 2008. Yes, this is a tad bit late :o) As is my custom for no good reason, I stayed up late into the wee hours. I guess this time, it was for the best reason - my birthday! I had a glass of wine while catching up on recorded shows on my DVR. (I know, not uber exciting).

Later that day, I worked from home so I got to lounge around in my jammies for most of the day. Then later in the afternoon, I went into the office for a quick half-hour meeting with a colleague.

You probably should know this about me, cake is my favorite food and I am a cupcake freak! I am also a fan of Magnolia Bakery in Manhattan. Whether you like banana pudding or not you MUST try their banana pudding it is the creamest best thing I have ever ingested in my life! Before I digress too far, I also love their cupcakes (which is what started this conversation), but I wasn't going all the way to The Village in NYC for a cupcake. Anyway, the b-day seemed like the perfect day to go on a search the perfect Philadelphia bakery.

I found one in what is now my favorite part of the city and it's called Brown Betty! I had a big issue with the name of the place though, I must say. Why? 'Cause if I ever owned a bakery, something I dream about doing, Brown Betty would be a perfect name for it. It totally applies and I am a lover of alliteration. Now I can't use the name cause they stole it! The cupcakes were good - looking forward to trying their very popular, but sold-out Red Velvet. I wonder if they have banana pudding...

Later than night, my dearest girlfriends a.k.a. my soulmates took me out for Spanish Tapas at a new trendy restaurant. The next morning I caught a plane to Tampa to spend Thankgiving weekend with my best friend from college a.k.a. "Moi" - as she is my other self. It is a wonderful life!

New Year's Resolutions

I guess everyone's entitled to one holiday/event that they go completely crazy over. For me it's not Christmas, Easter, Halloween or even New Years'. It's kinda Thanksgiving - but probably only because it always falls on my birthday week! Yes, I am one of the birthday people! I start thinking about my birthday and how I want to celebrate months, sometimes even years in advance. I need people to remember the day and come bearing gifts whenever possible. I take a lot of time to think up goals leading up to my birthday. I do whatever I feel I must to get geared up for this new year of my life.

This year has been surprisingly chill though...not entirely sure what that's about. Could it be maturity? Nah! Could it be that I already had a year of great trips and exciting oppurtunities - well, yes. But that never stopped me from acting a complete fool at birthday time, before. Hhhmmm.... Well, I will enjoy these mellow birthday emotions, since I'm not sure another birthday like this will come around soon.

As is my custom, I came up with a list of some Birthday/New Year of My Life goals...

In no particular order...

• Grow closer to, and in my knowledge of, God
• Become a certified yoga and/or pilates instructor
• pH balance my diet
• Develop a stronger, leaner body (without fixating on what I weigh. No one is carrying me anywhere anyway)
• Learn to drive a manual car
• Get married
• Work full-time as a TV reporter/Journalist/Filmmaker

Yes, that read “get married” just wanted to see if you were paying attention.

• The real desire would be to meet and begin dating ‘the one’ marrying him within the year is a stretch. I’m a big believer in ‘seeing him through the seasons’ before marrying him or letting him marry you. (Even though I am following two great blogs by two Mormon girls and one of them met her beau in August - the day she broke up with another guy - and was married to the new guy by Christmas after a 3 day engagement – yikes!) I'm not lying, see for yourself:

http://www.reachelandrew.com/pages/meetcouple/bios.html#DatingTimeline

• Blog, Blog, Blog
• Live in a new city – will settle for a new house or apartment in the same city - if I must
• Go to Oz (Melbourne and Sydney)
• Resume Spanish lessons
• Learn to swim
• Finish shooting and editing my documentary
• Have my lump removed, hernia fixed and sort out my acid reflux…I am waaaaaaaaaay too young for this!

Tentatively:

• Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro with a group of close friends, this time next year for my b-day.

Is that’s a lot to squeeze into a year? I’m a lot of things - lacking in ambition is apparently not one of them. Yes, this list is open for editing and rewriting. I’m sure I’m forgetting over half the list mostly because I:
a. Worked on this when I should have been working and
b. Wrote this is one sitting instead of dedicating my usual month (and then some) to this rigorous planning/dreaming process

I don't have cancer.

So what am I going to do with this opposite-of-a-death-sentence?

Wait, just so I'm clear, I don't want cancer. I just lived through a couple of weeks when I thought an unusually shaped and sizable lump I found in my breast could be cancer. Five days ago, after a series of exams, a mammogram an ultrasound and biopsy, I got the great news; my lump is benign. Did I mention, my birthday is in two days. Yes, a week before my birthday, I was waiting to find out whether I had cancer. Now, I always get all weird and introspective around my birthday anyway, but this year, I had the C word to contend with. I also attended a colleague's mother's funeral today. So my desire to live is more heightened than usual...what better thing to do than start a blog?!

All of a sudden I have Bon Jovi's "It's My Life" playing in my head. Excuse me while I sing it to myself and type it for you:

It's my life

It's now or never

I ain't gonna live forever

I just gotta live while I'm alive...It's my life!

My heart is like an open highway

Like Frankie said I did it my way!

I just gotta live while I'm alive

It's - My - Life!

At least you didn't have to hear me sing it. I wouldn't complain too much if I were you.

So on that note (of course the pun was intended). This will hopefully be a dialogue between me and you -  as we all navigate this wondering, scary, amazing, confusing, exhilarating, depressing, intense, confusing, awe-inspiring...thing called life of which we each only get one! No pressure at all :o)

You can expect me to share about:

• Work:  My attempt to get paid for my passion. I think people should be able to make a successful living out of things they'd do for free anyway.  
  
• Love:  My hope to find and be found by the Mr., and other attempts to understand anyone with a Y chromosome.
  
• Friends and Family
  
• Movies:  I love them, I want to make them. (In other news my sister wants to be in them.)
  
• Health and Fitness:  My married friends are trying to lose their baby weight, I'm trying to get back to my "hey baby" weight!  Kinda Kiddin'.  I am REALLY interested in getting healthier.  A few people I know have recently turned vegetarian, adopted gluten-free diets, organic diets or are pH-balancing their diets.  I tried the veggie thing for a month and didn't like it. But I hear red meat causes cancer and I'll like to drop a few lbs. So we will see what I come up with...
• Travel - I am a restless and adventurous soul. Earlier this year, I went on a road trip from Lagos, Nigeria to London UK across the Sahara Desert making a documentary about desertification. It's the biggest global warming threat to Africa and the neighbouring (English spelling) parts of Europe.
• Relocating - While I'm a restless soul, I have somehow managed to live in the same city for the past 15 years! I know, lame (only because I claim to be restless).
• Anything I want to, that's a part of me living this 'new life' of mine. It's my blog, I can blog whatever I want to!  You would blog too if it happened to you... da da da da da! (I promise much less of this type o' cheesy chatter)

Here's to a great ride!